Cop : you are driving on the wrong side of the road
Driver: Sorry, I‘m English
Cop: (shouting) Oii.. It‘s the rong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
#other@sickipedia
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A man from Russia dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell for each country. He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks
out the USA Hell as well as the Switzerland Hell, and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German Hell.
Then he comes to the Russian Hell and finds that there is a very long line of
people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Russian devil comes in and
whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other Hell's. Why are there so many
people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work. If it
works, there is usually no electricity to run it, someone has stolen all
the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former government servant, so he comes
in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria...
#russians@sickipedia
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks
out the USA Hell as well as the Switzerland Hell, and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German Hell.
Then he comes to the Russian Hell and finds that there is a very long line of
people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Russian devil comes in and
whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other Hell's. Why are there so many
people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work. If it
works, there is usually no electricity to run it, someone has stolen all
the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former government servant, so he comes
in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria...
#russians@sickipedia
The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That's nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”
The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
#other@sickipedia
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That's nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”
The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
#other@sickipedia
What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia?
50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles
#politics@sickipedia
50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles
#politics@sickipedia
The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt
is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum
#other@sickipedia
is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum
#other@sickipedia
Why do French people eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
#wordplay@sickipedia
They don't like fast food.
#wordplay@sickipedia
Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...
US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.
#other@sickipedia
US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.
#other@sickipedia
Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.
It's also their biggest import.
#other@sickipedia
It's also their biggest import.
#other@sickipedia
What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself
#politics@sickipedia
Hitler knew when to kill himself
#politics@sickipedia
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.
Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.
So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.
I say to them, “Your brother has sent me down here to have sex with both of you"
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted upstairs, “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
#sexandshit@sickipedia
Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.
So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.
I say to them, “Your brother has sent me down here to have sex with both of you"
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted upstairs, “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
#sexandshit@sickipedia